Clean

 

 

The water that pours out of the faucet in my bathroom never gets hot enough
to burn away the mud in my pores,
Staining my skin,
I am branded by the fingerprints of
Revolving-door bodies
People who looked like life when they arrived, and tasted like oxygen when they stayed
But never stayed,
Because they couldn’t
Or
Maybe they did not want to-
But the empty rooms that they left vacant in my heart shudder at night
windows left open to catch snow and rain
These places that should have held joy
Ache with mold and regret

And unanswered questions,
Like why couldn’t you stop drinking?
The tears of a twelve-year-old on her knees,
Begging her mother to stay,
Telling her under the porchlight in the rain that she could get better,
If she just tried,
If it just stopped,
and she cried.

But I am a toy boat,
forgotten by you on the banks of this river,
beating endlessly in a polluted froth against a shoreline that is always too slippery,
Always too jagged to grasp for more than a few days
Maybe a week,
Until it is back to choking on weeds that grow out of my heart and trip me up around the ankles,
To drown in the bottle you chose over us both,

I pour soap
Into Questions like
What do you want from me?
As you tear into me with fangs dressed up like kisses for a night
and I learn to act the part because
After is when the gentleness waltzes in,
out of your body sucked dry-
And my heart would affirm that yes,
You must really love me,
Yes, you love me
Yes, you are different than the hands that came before you because
After is when you would pull me into your hollowed-out stomach and whisper importance into my ear
This is how I was taught my role in love.
Where I learned that the actions of my body
Directed the words that fell out of your mouth,
Where I was shown that the most important thing that I could offer you,
Could be found on a corner meat-market for a few dollars a pound,
But this is what I absorbed as I tried to give myself to you I realized that I was too real for your hands to carry,
But false enough for them to squeeze, and poke and pull apart like the spine of an old book
But you never learned how to read.
And when my ink finally spilled over the edge of the page
When I tried to make you see the value in the libraries of my soul
you claimed that I was blind
And I believed you.

So here I am at two in the morning
Kissing another bathroom sink,
surrounded by dirty towels and hairpins,
wasted and searching for answers after another long day.
I hate that I feel like I should apologize to you for having already washed off my makeup before seeing you in the mirror like this,
with splotches of red and fingernail marks where I feel we will never be clean enough
I am dripping with the brine of these memories
Because I was taught that love is for clean people,
And the water that pours out of my bathroom faucet,
Will never be hot enough.

 

Who is the moon,

If I am the sea

I’ve spoken with you in the window my entire life

You’ve pulled on me to my very core now we finally break on the shore

Stop being dissatisfied not seeing huge breakthrough, listen for the small pops and then watch the Glow spread

God move in glorious ways and I’m laying awake thinking of the team we could make and the way you hugged me

You look away when you play because youreyou’re tapping into your deeoestdeepest soul and in the end,

YoureYou’re playing for the angelsAngel’s who listen

You are an instrumental apprentice of crecreation,

And your sound is Glory.

Theres been a lot of time between the summer bliss of kisses and the sting of watching you walk away,

A lot of time between the silence that has carried on for days. Time for moving on and getting over,

Time for waiting for the leaves of clover,

When you said you’d say “it isnt over.”

But it really is, and I see that its true

But I still don’t know how to be me without you. Even after all these deep breaths, as the summer turns to fall,

It’s as if every single day, I can so clearly remember it all.

It isn’t fair to you, that my soul still reaches back. I know it’s less than cute to you when your freedom feels attacked.

But every day reminds me of the love I used to know, and every day with God I must decide to weep or grow.

And I never understand why it’s so hard to let you go, and I wonder why I love you with a love you’ll never know.

The thing about God is that He sees everything.

We get impressed and feel loved when our friends remember which type of taco shell we prefer but God sees our innermost preferences.

He doesnt just catch every tear,

He holds you to his chest and rocks you each night you lie on the floor in your exes clothes sobbing,

He satisfies you on late nights, when Friday is still six sleeps away and the only thing left in your pantry is noodles without sauce.

He fills your gas tank at night when he sings over you while you dream about tomorrows work to be done.

He holds your hand on the highway when you reach to the passenger seat, where the person you love is no longer sitting.

He tunes the radio to your heartsong, he picks lyrics that move you to hope again.

He walks you gently through the memories you have fought so hard to forget;

He reveals to you gold in the journey you wish you could untake.

He pulls you closer to his chest when you hear footsteps up the stairsmaybe its Is them, maybe they’ve come home.”

He says, you are home and I am here

He says: I am greater than your loss

and I am greater than your fear.

 

To speak vulnerability;

speak true depth, just to start.

You said “speak of the way I have broken your heart”

And it’s easy to say you’d be in the front row,

But if I showed you the crushing you’d wish you didn’t know.

The Call

Every moment I experience like a rolling wave,

I taste each one as I taste the sweetness of the ocean air,

wishing with my whole heart I could hold it there on the beach before me.

Knowing still as I walk,

my history is washed away in the surf.

What remains here are the shells,

the green, glittering seaglass,

treasured relics,

the fossils of the past.

Ahead of me lies the warmest sun, and a stained glass sky.

So I step gently forward,careful of my toes dipping in and out of golden sand,

My calves hurt from the effort;

walking away,ever-onward,

but before me lies the entire beach,and I have decided

I still want it all.

True

I’ve got eyes fixed on heaven,

diving into deep truths,

but all of these footsetps

still lead me to you.

I surrendered my heart to the deep, devine blue,

where I’ve learned love is endless,

He promised us new.